Who am I, why am I here … and why have I had so many jobs? — I’m a deep thinker from way back. As a small child, I recall wondering, for example, why my first grade teacher was so unhappy. Her name was Mrs. Sullivan and she didn’t seem to like first-graders. Since then, I’ve discovered that teaching is a profession that can make it difficult…

And then I purchased a prepaid neck tattoo with bitcoin — Once upon a time, letters were sent by snail. Three types of correspondence were delivered throughout the kingdom, and the peasants rejoiced. For they knew, and could see, what they received in the mailbox. First, there were letters from friends and family. A breezy cursive script adorned each envelope like…

I hope my saint of a typing teacher is happy now — In the wormhole of adolescence, there exists a class. It’s the one when you realize your limitations. For some people it’s statistics, for others it’s organic chemistry. Mine was typing. It wasn’t because I was a bad typist — in fact, I excelled. Once I overcame the natural fear of…

This is the first time anyone popular has ever hung out with me — I wrote a story moments ago, and it was like bottled lightning. Balls to the walls gazillionaire gold. It struck the perfect harmonic balance between poignant and humorous and spiritual, like the sound of Morgan Freeman’s voice in Shawshank Redemption. Then, I deleted it. …

PSA, do not get sick in the USA — Today, a surgeon was murdered by a patient who was angry and wanted drugs. The doctor got caught in the crossfire in the war on drugs and gunned down in the trenches of a failed, broken healthcare system. This happened in Memphis but it could’ve gone down anywhere in the…

So shut up and leave me alone to suffer — Cures for seasonal affective disorder litter the landscape like eight balls on Satan’s pool table and I for one am fed up and ready to fight back. I have plenty of good reasons to be depressed this winter and the main one is the incessant chatter of cheerful, sunny types…

Geezer medical survival is a no-brainer for reality TV — Survivor started the snowball rolling all the way to hell but due to its sturdy crust of ice, it bounced back like a superball all the way to the bank. Now we have so many survival shows, we are running out of wilderness. We also have a lot of old…

I hate this expression, but self-hatred can be a strong motivator — Before I stopped trying new things, I had a brief career as a weekend manager at a self-storage facility. Career might be too strong a word, but then so was “manager.” The self-storage gig had four floors, three swamp coolers, a pair of married managers, and one computer where web…

The last time I learned well was in fifth grade — Working as a 9–1–1 Dispatcher has been hell on earth, but I’m glad I’ve stuck with it for one reason. Everyone has learning weaknesses, and this job has given me a richer view of mine. Most people don’t make it very far. I’ve lasted three months. Some newbies can’t deal…