Is this normal or a sign of our strange times? — When I open up my email every day, the dream is rekindled like a sunrise on the beach. The screen lights up with a soft, orange glow. I live in hope like a gambler lives for the next roll of the dice. Will the publisher I contacted on LinkedIn a…

Why are you depriving me of the dust I need to live? — Dear Fleshy Overlord, I’ve lived at this docking station a full month and I was expecting a disgusting house, or at least a steady diet of crumbs. Your floors are clean enough to eat off, as the saying goes. I am losing my will to live. I feel empty, both…

#21 will shock and terrify you — In the Garden of Eden, there once lived a beautiful and vivacious lady named Lilith, who had flaming red hair and first coined the term “mansplain.” She lived alone for 1,000 years or so, until the various goddesses and gods noticed she was bored. So they built a Starbucks in…

Assuming you have the dollars or bitcoin, that is — I want to move to Panama but my husband insists he’s too old to learn Spanish and the sliver-by-the-sea will be underwater soon. I counter with: who needs conversation and land? He agrees he will only move to an English-speaking country so I’m looking into Ireland, where he can become…

Avoid the “D” section at Lake Chicot, campers. — The Park Ranger noticed right away. They were from a senior community. He was a short fella with a good many opinions, which he expressed in full sentences. The female smiled, and nodded, then got onto the boat, although she didn’t approve of being a senior rather than a person. …

This romance novel is burning a hole in my heart — One of the great books of my youth was The Front Runner, which I stumbled upon when elderly my cousin, Albert, left it at our house. To this day, I will never know if Albert, who was queer as a $3 bill, left that book to: Recruit me to the…

Would you rather raise a gecko than a child? — I once had a professor, kind of a MeToo pioneer who loved nothing better than google-eyeing girls’ breasts during his lectures, who talked about his calling. Being a professor of Importance & Consequence wasn’t just a job, no — it was his destiny. Oh, for the love of Pete, you…

Humorist transforms base metals into belly laughs — I was reading a humor article today that was so hip I nearly signed up for a subscription to Harper’s and Esquire, then called Michael Pollan so we could microdose in Thailand next week. What makes hipness? What is the sound of one milky-white, unblemished hand clapping? Other words for…

Reducing your dementia risk is the new adulting — There are many terrors in modern life. From the deeply horrifying, like raging wildfires across the Western US, to the exasperating, like daily interaction with the unsubscribe button or the zombie-like persistence of Brazilian butt lifts as a realistic life choice. If you are getting older, which includes 100% of…