An Open Letter to My Future Employer

I have a few flaws

Photo by Krycheck Cre on Unsplash

Dear Future Employer,

You hired me because I appear to be a nice middle-aged woman. A person who enjoys tea, dabbles in gardening, and is a people-pleaser. Something about my face says: she won’t cause trouble.

I regret to inform you just how wrong one man, or in this case one committee made up of men and women, can be.

I did not carry a machete into the interview, because I carry one in my heart.

I do not proudly display a neck tattoo, because psychic ambush is my preferred modus operandi.

I didn’t get a PhD because I love knowledge but for one simple reason: I needed a heavy smokescreen for my incompetence.

You won’t learn these facts right away, but after a few weeks truth will hit you in the face like a feral cat dipped in pancake batter.

I don’t blame you for hiring me. I look great on paper, after all. So don’t beat yourself up, but you’ve made a horrible and — let’s be frank — profoundly stupid tactical error.

I’ll be bringing my daughter, 14, to work some days. She keeps getting kicked out of of school. I’m sure she’s a sociopath because her father, now deceased in a drive-by shooting, was a gang banger. Also I used to leave her alone a lot…