I encourage you to read an NYT article from today on Maurice Sendak and his legacy. He suffered greatly from depression and his writing and artistic craft were his balm. Also--he sure seemed autistic! I highly relate to this push-pull in what motivates me. Left to my own devices, I'd only earn money accidentally. It feels like a big obligation, much like the upkeep of my house. On good days, I putter around the house repairing and cleaning "creatively" and there is less burden.